Thursday, 7 May 2009

300 (The True To Life Version)

This contains spoilers for 300 and it’s just a stupid bit of fun so if you haven’t seen/read it and don’t want it ruined go away and read something better.

There is a very cool scene in 300 right at the start of the final battle where King Leonidas at the bidding of the God King Xerxes throws down his helmet and shield and bows down.

But appearances can be deceptive and when it all kicks off again the narrator explains.

“His helmet was stifling, it narrowed his vision and he must see far. His shield was heavy it threw him off balance and his target was far away.”

Leonidas stands up and ignoring the battle raging around him, focuses on his target and throws his spear at Xerxes. The spear (in slow motion) fly’s over the battle towards its target. It’s shadow (in slow motion) crosses over the steps of Xerxes throne. It seems Xerxes life is over as the spear (still in slow motion) heads right for his head. But then at the last second we see that it is slightly off target and it just glances his cheek and ruins his jewellery.

And then a strange sound crossed the land. The sound of every Spartan man left standing, going “DOH”. The sound of disappointment with just a hint of “I knew this would happen!”

And one Spartan stood up and bellowed “What the hell was that? He’s right there. He must be nine foot tall. How could you possibly miss that. There were 300 men here and 299 of them could of made that shot. There are three Olympic medallists back there for Gods sake but would you let any of them take the shot? Oh no, you had to be the big alpha male. You just couldn’t let somebody else take a tiny bit of the glory could you? You couldn’t hit the side of a barn if you were ten feet from it and had a barn seeking missile. You do realise we’re all going to die now don’t you? Let the history books show that it was not the Persians that killed us on this day but our own sense of shame. Our glorious leader. You’re a useless, cack handed, pillock.”