Saturday, 26 July 2008

Train or Die.

There are three things which we all know to be unavoidable truths:

1/ We will all grow old and die, no matter how much plastic surgery and pro-biotic yoghurt we partake of.

2/ The taxman will find you, will get your calculation wrong and will bill you for recalculating it.

3/ One day sooner or later the world will be overrun by zombie hordes.

The first two I can’t help you with, the third however you can be better prepared for. It is to that end that I am directing you to some online training resources. Using these exercises you will learn important lessons in small arms handling, hand to hand combat and use of that most underused close quarters anti-zombie weapon, the 12inch LP record. Good training. Good hunting. Good luck.

Firstly we have my favourite training exercise.

Use your mouse to aim and fire and use shift to change weapons.

Based on H.P.Lovecraft’s training manual “Reanimator” which you can read HERE.

Learn to defend your base with:



Experience realistic battle with:


Learn to command your zombie hit squads with:


Documentaries with their own online training exercises:

DAWN OF THE DEAD See “Blackout”.
SHAUN OF THE DEAD See “Don’t mess with my pint”.

Unless the zombie hordes arrive, I’ll see you soon.


I apologise for giving anybody the impression that there is any kind of dreadful inevitability that the world will be overrun with zombies. I should point out that it is just as likely to be vampires or possibly werewolves.

Friday, 4 July 2008

Movie Recommendations.

Nid de guêpes (The Nest).

Some good guys and some bad guys are stuck inside a warehouse, along with some good guys from outside who came inside, while some different bad guys outside try to get in. With me so far? The inside good guys the inside bad guys and the outside good guys who are now inside, have to team up inside to keep the outside bad guys out. While the outside bad guys try to get in to get an outside bad guy who is inside, out. Clear?

3 crews. One battle. No way out!

Unrelenting. Violent. Funny. Inventive. Outstanding. All action films should be this good.



Le Dîner de cons (The Dinner Game*).

A group of wealthy, intellectual snobs have regular dinner party competitions. The purpose of which is to see who can bring the best “idiot”.

Le Dîner de cons is beautifully written by Writer / Director Francis Veber (who based it on his own stage play) with enough twists and reversals to keep anybody happy. It is both delightfully funny and heartbreakingly sad, just as a good comedy should be.


Link to the original stage play script (in French)

* “The Dinner Game” is the English international title according to IMDB. A better translation of the meaning would be “The Dinner for Idiots”. In France the word cons is used to refer to somebody as an idiot. Cons is also a rather vulgar word for the female genitalia. It’s used in the same way as we might call somebody a knob when they are being stupid. However “The Dinner for C**ts” doesn’t quite translate with the same meaning.

Lola Rennt (Run Lola Run).

Lola has 20 minutes to get 100,000 Deutschmarks to her idiot boyfriend Manni so that he doesn’t end up dead.

I don’t know how to adequately convey how much I love this film. I like the way the story is told using a non-linear* timeline. I like the animated sections. I even like the trancy dance music soundtrack. But what I really like is the very clever way it is written and the pace and energy that is sustained throughout the film. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.


There are plenty of trailers of and music videos associated with Run Lola Run. Any of which I could have posted here, but for anybody who hasn’t seen the movie they all reveal too much

* I know some people struggle with non-linear structure, feeling that it pulls them out of the story. My brain must work upside down or something because I have no problem with it at all. I did watch quite a bit of Jean-Luc Godard when I was a teenager, maybe that permanently rewired my brain.

Now go away and watch something brilliant. See you soon.